Reading this was like hitting the nail on the head. My friends that don’t know about our infertility struggles don’t understand why Mother’s Day is hard. “Don’t worry, it will be you one day” “at least you’re young, take advantage of not having kids” and the list goes on. It’s not about being jealous or wanting more. It’s about the child we lost that would be here with us and 5 months old. It’s about the hormones and drugs just to get one good quality embryo and the thousands of dollars and hours of tears and heart ache. I trust in gods plan for us. Just like this post says every day with infertility is like a light shower. Mother’s Day is the torrential downpour of nonstop thunder showers.
I know that soon your alarm will go off. Your eyes will slowly begin to open. And as you roll over to see the sun peeking through the curtains, you will remember. It’s Sunday. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s a day that many have been anticipating. Even planning. But you? This is the day that you have been dreading for weeks. Even months. And so as you pull the covers over your head in denial, your chest begins to tighten. Your stomach starts to twist into knots. And the tears you often hold back? They will begin to fall. Because it’s another year without a child to call your own. Another Mother’s Day without hearing the sounds of giggles coming from the kitchen as tiny hands prepare you scrambled eggs and burnt toast. Another year gone by without hearing the pitter patters of little feet running down the hallway to bring…
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I’m a pretty hands on creative person. I don’t really like getting dirty but I like the challenge of DIY projects.
Today I painted the second bedroom (babies room) I also made a solo journey to ikea and bought the dresser for that room too!
I forgot to take before pictures but here’s what I did on my Saturday morning:
My logic is maybe a baby wasn’t ready to be born because they didn’t have their own space… It’s ..my fantasy to think all we needed was a room to be ready. It’s naive and silly, but it makes me feel better. And feeling good is all that matters. Next weekend I shall build the dresser which will double as a change table… I think. Not 100% sure on that one.
Today was CD1 the beginning of our FET. I am on an estrace protocol to get estrogen levels up and a nice thick (not too think) lining. In about 16 days I will go in for my first ultrasound to check the lining and about 5 days after that our lucky embryo will be transferred.
My cramps were a solid 10 today. I was a hot minuite away from leaving work, but I toughed it out.
This weekend I’m painting the babies room with my mamma. Looking forward to posting before and after pictures!
I guess I was confused as to what waiting a cycle meant…. I got the following message from my RN and now I don’t know if we should wait a “full” cycle (June) or go ahead now (May)
Last I heard my estrogen levels wee high… So now they are probably going down.. Then they want me to take estrace again? I’m confused….
What to do…. What to do…. If you have 2 cents I’d like to hear from you!!
Can’t believe we both went from 15 to 1 …. One.
We were so close. Unfortunately, none of our other seven embryos made it to the blastocyst stage. In the end, we came out with one frozen embryo. Just one. We have one chance of making this work. There is so much riding on that one frostie. Our doctor said one other embryo had potential, but in the end it didn’t make it. The five others stopped growing.
I’m learning that this process is full of ups and downs. One day the outlook seems positive, the next day you’re reeling from the news. I am disappointed that I let myself get too excited. Yesterday we were elated. Today we’re hurting.
We have lost 3 embryos. They were not meant for this world.
We have one good embryo that was frozen yesterday. They referred to him as “nice”…DH keeps reminding me we only need one.
To keep myself from going insane I’m going to prepared the embryos room. Painting next weekend.
God speed little embryo – 4BB is you quality and I trust you will be our lucky one.
Love &Light xoxoxox C